Chapter Four

_{Back From A Long Absence - 1992}

I had moved back to New Zealand in 1987 and for a few years managed to stay out of the medical limelight. Time sped by in a myriad of experiences that come with being Sri Chinmoy's student. Our Auckland Centre has always been a hive of activity offering free meditation courses, various community service and fundraising initiatives, plus many activities for the members of the Centre to participate in. Then there are jobs to hold down, trips to New York to visit our teacher and so on - a busy lifestyle! Sri Chinmoy encourages his students to keep our lives and meditation practice heart-focused. This in turn keeps one happy, young at heart and progressive - focused on the now and not worrying too much about what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow. I have never been one for dwelling on the medical side of my life for very long and more or less forget about these experiences once they are dealt with. Having a nature that feels inherently 'bullet proof', it is always a bit of a shock when the next medical challenge turns up.

In early 1992, it became apparent that I was losing blood and experiencing a decline in strength and vitality. In the early 90s, New Zealand’s health system was in the same condition! Starved of funding, the hospitals were reluctant to commit to surgery unless you were at death’s door - preferably with one foot inside the door! For nine long months after first discovering that one of my artificial heart valves was leaking and in need of repair, the hospital kept stalling and sending me for unnecessary test after unnecessary test. With my health steadily declining, I explained the situation to Sri Chinmoy and asked his advice on the idea of going back to Australia for the surgery. One of the great things about having a spiritual Master is the aspect of seeking advice on really important life decisions - and I have always been very grateful to my teacher for his insightful advice, encouragement and concern. The vision of a spiritual Master of Sri Chinmoy's stature takes into account so many details and subtleties that are often hard for the average person to see. These details are not only based on the outer realities of life, but, even more importantly, take into account the inner needs of a person's life and evolution. The vision of a God-realised teacher is clear and unblemished by human foibles or emotional attachment. Compassion and the will of God are their yard-stick in all matters. In this instance Sri Chinmoy lent his blessings to my plan and, as is always the case, it was the perfect thing to do on several levels. I packed a bag and headed for Adelaide to face the scalpel a third time.

This time around, I was admitted to the Flinders Medical Centre in Adelaide. It turned out that the heart surgeon who was assigned to my case had been an understudy to the famous 'Crash Craddock' - and I believe that he had assisted at both of my previous operations. He had been working overseas since then and had developed special skills in repairing artificial heart valves as an alternative to replacing them. When I walked into his room he greeted me with generous warmth and commented, ”I hear you have been having some difficulties, you poor old thing." He said this in such a sincere and compassionate way that it made me feel that I should be having surgery more often! After chatting for a while, he said, "Well, let’s see if we can get you fixed up and back in business then." I have always been very fortunate to have had good surgeons who are really nice people as well. Lets face it - when someone saves your life, it's hard not to be fond of them. The date for the surgery was set and I went home a happy chap that day. When it comes down to it, you are better off getting these things fixed than wandering around half dead.

_{The New Year's Message - 1993}

This all happened in early December of 1992 - while Sri Chinmoy and a group of his disciples were beginning their Christmas vacation. Each year Sri Chinmoy travels to various countries on cultural exchange programmes and to escape the cold New York winter for a few weeks. Also around this time, he will sometimes offer a message for the approaching year - a message that encapsulates the qualities of the coming year. While I was waiting for surgery, Sri Chinmoy offered a beautiful and uplifting message for 1993 and asked that his students around the world make the message available to everyone. The honour of getting the message out into the public arena fell to Simahin - one of the local Adelaide guys, and myself. Despite being in a somewhat debilitated state, I threw myself into the project with great joy and vigor. The message had such a positive theme and was readily accepted by many of the various media that we visited. It was really something to read it 'live to air' at the radio stations around Adelaide, and to see it printed in newspapers and magazines - many people were touched by the spiritual beauty and hope of the message.

In February I was finally admitted to hospital feeling generally worn out, but also very happy and satisfied. I felt quietly confident that if death visited me during the surgery, at least I could tell Saint Peter that my last act on earth had been for the benefit of humanity and therefore press him for a "nice room with a view" - if Heaven was to be my destination - and ask him to call in some favours downstairs if it wasn't. Very unconditional of me!

_{Sri Chinmoy's Message for 1993}

God is dreaming,
Newness singing,
Oneness blossoming,
Fullness dancing.

Hope no more gropes.
Life without slopes.
Splendid depths and heights,
Transform bondage-nights.

- Sri Chinmoy, 12 December 1992.

_{The Night Before...}

On the night previous to each of my surgeries, I have always spent time on my own and have done things that gave me joy. My attitude was that if it was to be my last night on earth, then it should be a happy one. I think I learnt this from a friend of mine who insisted that her children always go to bed happy - no matter what had transpired during the course of the day. She would read and sing to them - whatever it took, and I know that they have never forgotten these sweet moments. One of her sons once told me that her efforts always helped him wake up happy. I can not really remember what I did prior to my first operation, but I can remember watching an Elton John concert live from Sydney on the TV before the second. Not really what I would consider a good time now, but in those days it lifted me. Now that Sri Chinmoy and meditation had entered my life, I chose a more peaceful approach to my third effort and spent the night meditating, praying and listening to Sri Chinmoy's music. Simahin and a few of the Adelaide Centre members visited me and I felt my teacher's blessingful presence all around me as a result. Sri Chinmoy often says that the highest of all prayers is to ask that God's Will be done in and through our lives - an unconditional prayer of surrender to the Divine. On this particular night I adopted the sacred mantra that Sri Krishna offered to his beloved disciple Arjuna during his sacred discourse, the Bhagavad Gita: 'Nimitta matram bhava savyasachin.' - 'Oh Arjuna, become a mere instrument.' This I chanted silently as I was wheeled away to the operating theatre the next morning, and a wave of calm descended upon me. Once again, the anaesthetist arrived - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 zzzzz...

_{Beam Me Up Scotty}

... soft light; vague hushed voices; faint chemical odours; beeping monitors; my own breathing - "let the machine breath for you dear" - gentle assurance... still alive! It's hard to describe the first few hours after heart surgery. I won't try, but the best attitude is one of surrender and patience - just hang in there and within a day or two you know that you are going to be OK. And once you have been up on your legs and had that first shower, it's all go-forward! The surgery was a complete success. With the valve repaired, I began to feel better straight away, and spent a few weeks recovering in Adelaide. One of the guys in our Adelaide Centre, Darren, would come to visit me during my convalescence. He was extremely kind to me. A dedicated Star Trek fan at the time, Darren had a large video library which contained every Star Trek episode ever made. He would bring me three or four videos at a time and so for amusement, I would watch these to while away the hours. After a week or two, I found myself saying things like "Beam me up Scotty!" and "I can'ay hold her any longer Cap'n!" a little too often! So I stopped watching the videos and focused on going for walks to get some strength back - soon I was well enough to travel back home to New Zealand. I am very grateful to Australia for taking care of me during the years that I lived there - indeed it was in that vast-hearted country that I found my Master and my spiritual path.

To cure humanity's lifelong ailments,
Every day God uses
His Forgiveness-Remedy.

- Sri Chinmoy.