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Jokes
Jokes put together by Tegan Butler (age 12) and myself.
Kallola
These jokes Tegan and I put
together when she came down to
Christchurch for a week or so on her school holidays. Kallola and
Rupashri, two sisters from Wellington, aged 11 and 12 are illustrating
and binding them in a book which we will give Sri Chinmoy in New York,
this April. Sri Chinmoy really loves jokes, which at first surprised
me, as I would never have imagined that a spiritual Master would get
so much delight from innocent, childlike jokes. In China
he would select a joke and give it a group of people who would create a
play based on the joke. It was really funny because some of the
jokes didn't really have punchlines and they were really short. So it
was quite funny to see how much creativity they had in embellished the
jokes to create great plays! For example Harita was
given the joke: Two people were talking, and one of them said, "look,
its raining outside!" and the other replied "so what, when did it ever
rain inside?!". So here are the jokes...
Doctor Doctor Jokes
Doctor, doctor, I am seeing double!
One at a time please!
Doctor, doctor! Everyone keeps ignoring me!
Next please!
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!
I’ll deal with you with you later!
Doctor, doctor! I can’t get to sleep!
Sit on the edge of the bed you’ll soon drop off!
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a spoon!
Sit still and don’t stir!
Name Jokes
What do you call a man floating in the water?
Bob!
What do you call a man with one foot through the door?
Justin!
What do you call a man with a balaclava and a gun?
Rob!
What do you call a girl who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette!
What do you call a girl with each foot on either side of the bank?
Bridget!
Light Bulb Jokes
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way and one to give it a surprising twist at the end!
Funny Stories
A mother says to her mischievous son, “How do you expect to get in to heaven?”
The boy thought for a moment and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out, and in and out and keep slamming the door until Saint Peter says, “For Heavens sake boy! Come in or stay out!”
“Mum!” said the little boy as he came in from playing, “the people who live next door must be really poor!”
“Why do you say that little one?”
“Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a 20 cent piece!”
The new teacher said to her class, “Everybody who thinks they’re stupid stand up!”
After a few seconds a young boy stood up.
“Do you think you’re stupid little boy?” asked the teacher.
“No Miss but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
A young boy came home from school and proudly announced that he had landed himself a part in a school play. His mother was pleased and asked what character he was going to play.
“I’m going to play the part of the husband,” he said.
His mother replied angrily, “Now I want you to march right back to school and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!”
A group of husbands arrived in Heaven at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked them over and said, “All of you men who are bosses in their own homes step to the right and those who are not step to the left.”
A line quickly formed to the left and only one man stepped to the right.
Saint Peter looked at the timid little man standing by himself and enquired, “What make you think you belong on the right side?”
Without hesitation he said, “This is where my wife told me to stand!”
Old Fred had been in hospital near death for a long time. One day his friend, George, came to visit him.
As George stepped beside his friend’s bed, Fred’s condition suddenly started deteriorating.
In his last few moments of life, Fred grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled down a not. Then Fred died.
Later George got curious to see what Fred had been writing. He went back into the room and found Fred’s note. It said:
A little girl and her mother were in church when the little girl started to feel ill.
“Mum,” she said, “can we go home now? I think I’m going to be sick!”
“No,” her mother replied.
“But I think I’m going to be sick!” the little girl said.
“Then go out the front door and around the back of the church then behind a bush.”
After a minute the girl returned to her seat.
“Were you sick?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the girl replied.
“How could you have gone to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. They have a box next to the front door that says: For The Sick.”
God says to one of His angels, “I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”
The angel says, “What are you going to do now?”
God says, “Call it a day!”
A tourist went on holiday to Australia and New Zealand to visit the old cathedrals. First he went to the Sydney cathedral. There he noticed a golden phone on the wall with a sign that read: $10,000 per call.
He asked the priest what it was for. The priest replied, “It is a direct line to Heaven and for$10,000 you can speak to God.”
His next stop was in Brisbane. There was the same golden phone on the wall with the same sign. When the tourist asked the nun what it was for she also said that for $10,000 you could speak to God.
He travelled on to Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, Darwin and Cairns and in every cathedral he saw a golden phone with the same sign.
Then he flew over to New Zealand and in the first cathedral was a golden phone but this time the sign read: 10 cents per call.
The tourist said to the priest, “In Australia I saw a golden phone in every cathedral. I was told that it was a direct line to Heaven. But in every city it was $10,000 a call. Why is it so cheap here?”
“You’re in Christchurch now, my son, it’s a local call.”
A nutritionalist asked the class, “What is the most dangerous food?”
A bitter old man yelled out from the back of the room, “That’s easy, a wedding cake!”
