Supreme, If It Is Your Will

When I was a child, I was very dynamic. I used to play the whole day. At that time I had a problem with my heart which I kept to myself. Nobody but the Supreme knew about it. Sometimes I had very severe pain on the left side of my chest. I couldn't breathe properly, so I had to stay calm and inhale slowly and carefully. The pain would then disappear after a few minutes and I would be able to continue my normal breathing. Once when I was 16 years old, the pain lasted for more than 10 minutes. I was alone and I couldn't breathe. I wasn't afraid, although I thought it might be the end of my life. When the pain disappeared, I started to breathe with great joy, slowly and carefully enjoying every breath. Suddenly, everything became peaceful and I heard a voice saying, "You will live 42 years." I was a boy and that was very far in the future. I forgot about it almost immediately. Years passed by and in 1983 I became Sri Chinmoy's disciple. In January 1991, Guru told me that he would give me my spiritual name the next time he would see me. During April Celebrations, I was very eager to get my name and felt extremely happy. As the end of the Celebrations approached, I started to feel a weakness. After the function when Sri Chinmoy played on 27 pianos, I felt a little better and went to bed. During the night I woke up to go to the bathroom and the feeling of weakness returned. Later I found myself lying on the floor. I didn't remember what had happened. A disciple from Austria was there and he called another disciple who was a doctor. The doctor told me that I should rest and everything would be better. When Jagattarini, my Centre leader, heard about this, she informed Guru immediately. Guru just smiled and said, "I know about that. Find a car and take him to the hospital." When I arrived at the hospital they found out that I had internal bleeding and wanted to operate. They asked me to sign a consent for an operation. My first thought was that I had to ask Guru, but the next moment I had a very strong feeling I should sign the consent, so I signed. Then I remembered the words that I had heard from the inner world when I was 16. I wasn't afraid. I just said, "Supreme, if it is Your Will, let it be." From that moment on I do not know what happened in the outer world, but in the inner world I heard Guru saying to me, "From now on, during the next 36 hours, you have to consciously breathe." I obeyed immediately. After I exhaled, I would often forget to inhale again. In those moments, I would hear a voice saying, "Breathe in, breathe in." The inner world wasn't pleasant at all. I was in some deserted surrounding. There were no leaves on the trees and the grass was gray. I was surrounded by wild animals that were trying to attack me. Again, I didn't feel fear and I bravely defended myself. At the same time I was sinking in the mud. When I was about to sink completely, I said again, "Supreme, if it is Your Will, then let it be." In the next moment, everything changed and I flew above the mud. When I reached the highest point I saw a beautiful place, unbelievably beautiful. This happened a few times. By repeating the Supreme's name, I flew from the mud to Heaven. After some time I found myself in a very beautiful place. Everything was like a fairy tale. My friends from childhood were there. I was in a small cottage whose walls were covered with drawers. I had to solve the puzzle. If I succeeded, I would get an award and that would be a beautiful girl. But I didn't want a beautiful girl. All I wanted was to search for God, so I decided to leave that place. As I left the cottage, something forced me to turn back and I saw a beautiful girl looking at me sadly. I said to myself, "Sorry, but I have to follow my own way." I turned and went forward, but suddenly I realised that the cottage represented my own body, the drawers were the states of my consciousness and the girl, my own soul. I realised that I had no need to search anywhere else for God. The operation was very difficult and lasted about 6 hours. The doctors told me that I was practically dead when I came to the hospital. They also told me that they had heard about Guru and that it was he who saved my life. They told me that it was a Higher Force. Just as Guru had promised, he gave me my spiritual name. I feel deepest gratitude for the new life Guru granted me, and I feel extremely sad when I don't use my time in a proper way for my spiritual development.

Tyagananda (Belgrade)