You Even Look Different

Plummeting deeper and deeper into the depths of depression, I felt bereft, with nowhere to turn. One day I found myself down on my knees praying to God: "Please help me. You sent Jesus long ago. Why can't there be someone like him here and now for me to turn to?" It was truly a prayer from the heart. Then I continued on with my life. It was not long after that prayer that I saw a notice for meditation classes, which I immediately enrolled in. I bought some of Guru's books, which appealed to me, and I found myself eagerly reading as many books as I could. Meditation became a daily habit, and I joined the Sri Chinmoy meditation group following the set of classes. What had brought me to this place in my life? In August 1982 my older son, who was 23 years old at the time and had just graduated in June with highest honors from the University of California at Berkeley, developed aplastic anemia. This is a rare and often fatal disease. Six weeks later he died in the hospital after undergoing extensive treatment. To cope with my grief I began to search for meaning in life. I went to various workshops, read spiritual literature and began to pray and meditate. In 1992 we discovered our younger son was heavily involved in drugs. This was devastating for me, and I often found myself crying, feeling that we should try to save him. If you know anything about drug addiction, you know that you cannot save another person; they need to do the work on their own. I began seeing a counselor, which helped some. However, I continued to sink deeper into despair. I asked my physician for an antidepressant, but I only took it for a week as the side effects were worse than the depression. At this same time I had joined the meditation group and was meditating daily. Now it was July and our meditation group had decided to drive to New York to be with Guru for the July 4th holiday weekend. This was my first experience being with Guru, and I had no idea what would transpire. We arrived in New York in the heat of the day, and I had back pain from bouncing on the long ride in the back seat. Still I was in awe of being at Aspiration-Ground and seeing Guru. Immediately I felt a peace come over me. Even so, I wondered what I was doing here, spending the weekend sitting in the heat and suffering with my back! On July 4th, we again went to the Tennis Court. Prasad had just been offered and everyone was standing around talking. I was hot and tired and started walking back to my seat. Then Sukantika called to me to come down, as Guru had asked for the Toledo Centre to come before him. I was bewildered and did not know what this meant. However, I went with my four friends and stood with hands folded in front of Guru. First Guru smiled at all of us, and then he meditated on us. His eyes went back and forth scanning each of us, and it seemed to continue for quite a long period. Then we were dismissed. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from me. Tears streamed down my face, and I wondered what had happened. As the day went on I felt joyous, happy again, filled with peace. What had happened to my depression? When I returned home, my husband asked, "What happened to you?" He could see that I was changed. I explained as best I could about my experience with Guru, and my husband said, "You even look different." Vividly I recall that the old negative thought patterns started to return. I said to myself, "You are not going to think that way any more!" and I didn't. It was as simple as that. For one week I felt as if I were on a high, feeling nothing but joy and peace. At the present time my son continues to be plagued with his drug problem. I have felt hopeful for him and then let down again. In the midst of this roller coaster ride with him, I have never had any depression return. I have had heartache and sadness, but at the same time I feel a peace and a closeness to God. Most of all I am able to express gratitude for my many blessings, especially being on Guru's path.

Marge (Toledo)